Crisis events such as natural disasters, violent acts, and serious accidents are frightening to children and adults. It is important for parents, teachers, and other caretakers of children to know how a crisis can affect children and how to help them deal with the trauma. Children who experience an initial traumatic event before they are eleven years old are three times more likely to develop psychological symptoms than those who experience their first trauma as a teenager or later. Children’s ability to deal with a traumatic event is primarily dependent on the reaction of the parent or those who are in a caretaking role. As adults, we need to acknowledge our concerns to children in appropriate ways, but balance this with clear explanations of the ways we together can cope with the situation successfully. It is not helpful to falsely minimize the danger, or fail to sufficiently answer a child’s questions regarding what happened. It is important to invite them to process what they are hearing, seeing, and feeling by listening supportively without judging or correcting their feelings. They may need to tell their story repeatedly. Writing, drawing, and play are effective mediums for children to process trauma. Allow them many ways to tell their story. Just as for adults, children often need to process the event numerous times before they can move beyond it effectively. If after a few days the child’s symptoms continue to substantially interfere with his daily functioning to the point the child is not eating, sleeping, or able to perform typical daily tasks, professional consultation is warranted. This does not mean the behaviors, fears, or anxieties have to be gone, but you can see continued gradual improvement. Four to six weeks after the event there should be definite signs of improvement in the child’s ability to deal with fears or anxieties related to the trauma. The longer negative behavior continues without any improvement, the more difficult it will be to resolve. Getting help in a timely manner prevents more severe problems from developing. Seek help from personnel who have specialized training in treating children’s trauma, from medical staff, or professional counselors. Some responses to help children deal with a crisis:
Courtesy of Motivated magazine. Used with permission.
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Do you want to channel your child’s unbounded energy and curiosity into positive and rewarding learning experiences? Keys to Toddlers and Preschoolers is a parenting guide with scores of fun, practical learning activities and suggestions to keep your ever on-the-go little one occupied for hours. More importantly, learn how to prepare
your child for life’s challenges and changes, and lay a foundation of faith that will guide and support him or her all through life. Remember the old adage, “Silence is golden”? As parents, we have a hard time with this notion. We believe that when a child makes a statement, he is implicitly asking for a response. And, of course, we oblige, thinking that communication with our child is important. But here’s a new notion for you: You don’t have to respond to every comment that comes out of your child’s mouth. Sometimes the most effective form of communication is keeping silent. There are times when it’s okay for your child to have the first, the last, and the only word. This is especially true for those times kids come up with “announcements” that sound remarkably like complaints, perhaps even remarks that unfairly blame you. Typically parents respond to these comments by suggesting, clarifying, or simply disagreeing. But these seemingly innocent comebacks have the potential to ignite a power struggle since they unwittingly challenge the kids to make their own point even more strongly. Instead of chiming in, simply listen. Show you’re paying attention, but don’t feel compelled to comment when it’s not necessary. Remember, silence is often a valuable communication skill. … Silence is [one] way to acknowledge your child’s problem without becoming part of it. You are not being hostile or rejecting; at the same time, you’re not setting yourself up to be the fall guy for your child’s anger. Believe it or not, most of the time kids say things to get them off their chests and they really don’t expect you to do anything. Remember those easy-to-forget, undervalued words “Oh,” “Hmm,” “Really”—those short lifesavers that keep you out of a fight. These overlooked words are just as versatile as they are short. You can use them in many ways. The secret is in your tone of voice and how you punctuate your line. You may want to punctuate it with a heavy period, meaning “That is the end of this discussion”; an exclamation mark, meaning “Your comment has made an impression on me”; or even a question mark, meaning “I really do want more information.” When you use the “silence is golden” and “keep it short and simple” skills, you can: — stop a battle before it begins. — acknowledge to your child that you’ve heard him. — keep yourself from becoming defensive. — avoid getting caught up in an issue that you have no intention of solving.--Evonne Weinhaus and Karen Friedman * The importance of developing our listening ability is directly affirmed by James, a man who knew Jesus intimately: “Let every man be quick to hear, slow to speak.” (James 1:19) The two terse commands contained in the beginning of this verse fit nicely together. When we take time to listen responsively—and avoid the error of answering with authoritative pronouncements—the messages given back to us by our children are far less likely to be obnoxiously defensive. This, in turn, reduces the tension and may well help us avoid angry exchanges.--Dr. Bob Pedrick * Hear from Me about your children. This is a gift I could bestow upon you to make your job of parenting easier. It is a gift certificate which never expires, has no cash limit, and is redeemable anywhere, at any time. I can show you the reasons your children are behaving the way they are, their motives, the root of the problem, and the solution. I can give you the words to say that will help and inspire them. I can point out the good things that you can commend them for, and show you what the weaknesses are that you need to work with them on next. I can comfort and encourage you when you are weary and discouraged, and give you patience and faith when you are in need.--Jesus, speaking in prophecy * Children will behave more responsibly and maturely if they are talked to with the same respect you would give an adult. If a child feels that you expect him to behave in a responsible way, then he’ll more than likely try to fulfill your expectations. We should try as much as possible to put ourselves in our children’s place and communicate with them in the way that we would like to be communicated with if we were them.--Maria Fontaine * How would you feel if someone who was [in a position of authority over you] got angry and screamed at you? You’d probably feel like shriveling up and blowing away. Add an audience, and you’d feel verbally tarred and feathered. Now, you might quickly do what that authority figure wanted you to do, but you’d despise that person for embarrassing you. Children aren’t that much different from grown-ups in this respect. They don’t like being belittled or demeaned, especially in front of an audience. It would be best if you could catch yourself before you got so upset that you felt like screaming. Here are some ideas: If your child isn’t paying attention the first or second time you speak, try lowering your voice instead of raising it. Go over to your child, look him in the eyes and whisper your message. Or you might want to go one step further and try the silent method. Just go and stand next to your child and don’t say anything until he or she turns and looks at you. When you have her full attention, make your request. Sometimes just placing your hand softly against the child’s back and waiting will get her attention. Once you have your child’s attention, make your request clearly and firmly. Then make sure you follow up so you are certain she is doing what you want. When you do this, you’ll find a significant increase in your child’s compliance without any harmful side effects. And, you’ll feel a whole lot better by having tempered your temper!--Dr. Kay Kuzma * Do you ever sit down with your child and talk for a few minutes only about his or her concerns? Finding a few minutes each day to do this will pay handsome dividends in building a relationship of loving trust with your child. What will you talk about? What is your child concerned about most? People who are good conversationalists will tell you that you can talk for hours with anyone of any age, at any intellectual level, adult or child, and hold them captivated. All you have to do is show a genuine interest in that person and ask questions that help you explore that interest. What does this person do? How does he do it? What does she like? Why? If you want people to show loving concern for your interests, think how much more your child wants you, as a parent, the most important person in the world to him, to show that loving concern for his interests. But exactly what should you say when you take those few precious moments to talk with your child? That depends on what your child has done. Did he just come home from school? Is it time to read her a bedtime story? Did he just break a favorite dish? Is she having a temper tantrum? Is he sassing you back about something? Did she just come through the door crying because some friends weren’t being kind to her? Start with the circumstance. That’s always a good starting point, because that is uppermost in the child’s mind at that time. Then go from there.--V. Gilbert Beers Courtesy of http://anchor.tfionline.com/post/hidden-art-communicating-children/. Photo by dadblunders/Flickr.com Children are little people.—And if we’d just stop thinking about them as “children” and think about them as people, we’d get a lot further in understanding them and their problems! So why don’t we just start thinking about them as we do about ourselves? People are complex. Children are people too and their problems are also complex. Their feelings are much the same as adults’, and the experiences they go through are very similar to things we go through, only harder for them to understand.—Children are much more vulnerable than adults, and many things they have to go through which though small to us, may seem monumental or even traumatic to them at the time because they don’t have the experience to understand them, and they haven’t been assured like we have that everything will work out in the end! So you have to treat them even more carefully, tenderly and with more consideration than adults. Try to put yourself in the child’s place. Put yourself in as close a situation as you can think of to your child’s situation and think about how you would feel—then you can get a better understanding of him and his problem. Text © The Family International. Photo courtesy of publicdomainpictures.net As parents, the desire to give to your children is limitless: You desire for them to grow in their relationship with Jesus; you want them to be safe and protected from negative influences and dangerous situations; you want them to become well-rounded, productive individuals. There are a multitude of things that you may want your children to have, to be, and to experience. And although you may be limited in what you can physically offer them, through prayer, you can obtain all that Jesus desires to give them. Good and successful parenting and childrearing takes strength, wisdom, patience, faith, insight, courage, fight, and divine love. But if you want to give your children the very, very best, and if you want to do your very, very best for them, give them your prayers! Pray, instead of waiting for problems to crop up, and you’ll be heading many difficulties and problems off at the pass. Pray, and you’ll be doing your part to help set your children up for life. As many of you parents have experienced, there will be times when you feel like your hands are tied regarding how to help your child. You’ll feel like you’ve done all you could, and nothing seems to work. The truth is that there is always more you can do. You can always pray for your children, and it will bring results. You’ll never be without a job when it comes to childrearing. Your children are your children for the rest of your lives, and even when they are grown and have children of their own, you can still be interceding on their behalf through your prayers. A Prayer List for Your Child Here is a sample prayer list for you to use during your times of prayer for your child. You can personalize this list to more accurately suit you and your child’s individual needs and situation, or create one for yourself. Relationship with Jesus and spiritual growth • That they will experience and come to know Jesus and His love in a personal way • That their love and appreciation of God’s Word will develop and grow • That they will grow in maturity; exhibiting the fruit of the Spirit in their lives: love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance Overall development, character building, and interpersonal relationships • That they will have a positive impact on the lives of their friends, peers, and elders they come in contact with • That they will learn obedience to me, their parent, out of love • That they will establish friendships with those who will have a positive influence on them, and whom they can positively influence • For ongoing progress in all areas of their development: spiritual, intellectual, physical, social, and emotional My parenting • That I will regularly seek Jesus’ help, understanding, and wisdom in order to be the parent that He wants me to be • That I can give them the assurance of unconditional love no matter what problems or difficulties arise, and that I can be a reflection of God’s everlasting love to them • That I will be faithful to share with our children how important Jesus is to me and how He works in my life • That I can teach them how to discern between right and wrong Future and protection • For life experiences and character growth that will enable and motivate them to fulfill the destinies that Jesus has for them • For protection against physical danger, accidents, and sickness Text © The Family International. Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
By Claudia Becker, Die Welt, Feb. 15, 2013 BERLIN—There were jittery kids before Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). In 1908, Berlin pediatrician Adalbert Czerny diagnosed a certain group of pesky children as follows: “Great need to move about, can’t stick to anything whether it be playing or other activities, disobedience, inability to concentrate on their schoolwork.” So it would appear that ADHD is not an invention of the 21st century. Psychologists have been attributing the problem to ever more hectic daily lives marked by technological developments in both transportation and communication—since the beginning of the 20th century. According to the just-released 2013 Medical Report published by the German Barmer GEK health insurance company, the number of children and teens diagnosed with ADHD rose by 42% between 2006 and 2011. We should not, however, rush to hasty conclusions blaming technology and ascribing the phenomenon to over-stimulation—even if it is difficult to imagine that the constant flicker of screens in children’s rooms, the over-consumption of computer games, and the permanent stream of music through headphones doesn’t have some sort of deeper impact on the nervous system. The agitation, the lack of control over their impulses, and the concentration difficulties in children and teens that parents and teachers are becoming increasingly vocal about can be put down to a number things. Gottingen-based neurobiologist Gerald Huther believes that children have too few opportunities, as their brains develop, to build up the structures that enable them to control their impulses and deal with frustration. Parents keep too close a watch over their kids for this to happen, he says—clearing problems away so kids don’t have to confront them, not giving kids a chance to try things for themselves, not letting kids romp around outdoors enough. They don’t let their kids take risks. For the first time in the history of humanity, Huther says, we are going through a period where children are not actually needed to help with the household chores or go out and earn money. Yet children right through their teens need chores and other tasks because these tasks not only help them grow but give them the experience of how wonderful it is to do something meaningful together with others. Anybody who has seen how many hours children spend playing computer games can sense the tragedy behind it—all that wasted energy—and understand how it can find expression in disharmony and aggression. And the open question is: are there really more children with behavioral symptoms matching those of ADHD or are doctors just more inclined to diagnose the disorder? Even if the restless behavior of kids who supposedly have ADHD isn’t really pathological, the high number of children being diagnosed with the disorder tells us something about the way they are perceived by their parents and teachers—as so active that living with them may become unbearable. But is it really the kids who are overstepping the bounds? Or are the thresholds of teachers trying to get through their workloads, and parents who expect their kids to “function,” too low? Have we lost the ability to deal with impulse? Particularly those of boys, who in kindergartens and schools are almost exclusively taught by women? According to the Barmer GEK report, ADHD is mainly a problem with boys—the majority of whom are given psychotropic drugs. In 2011, 2% of 11-year-old girls diagnosed with the syndrome were taking what is currently the favorite drug for the condition—Ritalin, which acts directly on brain metabolism—compared with 7% of boys. This is questionable not only because these kids are being kept quiet artificially, but also because the long-term effects of taking the drug have yet to be fully researched. Yet stressed-out parents are increasingly letting doctors talk them into treating their hyperactive children with medication on the pretext that they may be suffering from some sort of malfunction of brain metabolism. Psychotropic drugs for children provide no long-term solution. ADHD is a disturbance in the ability to pay attention—so why don’t we actively try and heighten that ability in children from the beginning? It doesn’t take much: sit quietly on the sofa and read a story together instead of watching 3-D movies and playing computer games. Or let your children take the time, as you make your way to the playground, to take in whatever captures his or her interest, be it a pebble or a dog, instead of badgering them with the constant and impatient command to “Come on!” And do you really need a weekend trip to Davos with your five-year-old just when the first snowdrops are blossoming in the garden? Children need the opportunity to develop and hone their senses without being rushed all the time. And that includes doing a lot of the things that made 20th century childhoods rich and that are being lost today. A walk home from school without Mom, where they can dawdle along and have time for their own thoughts. At school, children should be given plenty of time for art and crafts. Also important are family meals—not only eating together, but not eating microwave dishes, in fact eating real home cooking that doesn’t taste of the same old flavor enhancers but where you can actually make out the individual ingredients. Children need to know that everything doesn’t have to happen at lightning speed. They need to be both challenged and supported. They also need to have the possibility of learning at their own speed: you cannot force maturity. And they need phases where they aren’t “doing” anything except maybe jumping over a few ditches, feeling the wind against their skin, breathing in the delicious smell of earth. There are no greater creative moments than those that take place in stillness. We don’t let our kids enjoy these because we enjoy too few of them ourselves. But if they don’t know what it is to experience stillness, how can we expect them to “sit still?” Lois and Joel Davitz Learn to substitute some other behavior for nagging whenever you get the impulse to nag. Parents can use a wide variety of substitutes when the impulse to nag occurs. One parent decided to say something complimentary to her son whenever she felt like nagging him. At first her substitute compliments seemed forced and artificial to both her son and herself, but they realized that she was sincerely trying to break a long-established habit, and they accepted this initial awkwardness. After awhile, the substitute behavior became more and more natural, and the frequency of her nagging decreased dramatically. Parents who go through this process of stopping their nagging almost always report certain positive consequences. Perhaps the most important and the most rewarding consequence is the decrease in family stress. The number of arguments drops sharply, and both parents and their [children] have a chance to learn how to live together without the irritation of petty bickering. An interesting result we have noticed on a number of occasions is a change in the [child’s] behavior that had been the focus of nagging. The [child], for example, who has been nagged about not doing homework begins to do the work after the parents stop nagging about it. This suggests that sometimes nagging actually provokes the undesired behavior. All parents dislike nagging their children. However, it is sometimes difficult to find a reasonable alternative that will propel children to do what needs to be done. Here are some tips for getting action out of your communications with your children.
Excerpted from the book, "How to Live (Almost) Happily with a Teenager". Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
By Jessica Roberts In the middle of math class, one of my second graders made this startling declaration: “There is no God!” Considering that this was a Christian school and Martin was the son of a pastor, I had to wonder how he had suddenly come to this conclusion in my classroom. When asked, he proclaimed, “My dad says that there’s God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, but also that there’s only one God. It makes no sense.” What to do? I was sure that greater minds than Martin’s had contemplated the Holy Trinity and run into the same problem, but at the moment I really preferred to stick to multiplication. “Martin, we’re in math class. We can talk about that later.” “It is a math problem,” Martin replied. “Three is not the same as one!” What parent or teacher hasn’t been similarly ambushed? From the lips of children come a lot of tough questions. I’ve learned that the best thing I can do in such cases is ask God for wisdom, because what I may interpret as cockiness or contrariness on the part of the child may in fact be divinely instilled inquisitiveness and a great teaching opportunity. I didn’t feel sufficiently brushed up on my theology to explain the concept of the Trinity to Martin and his classmates. … Recess. Saved by the bell! For the next ten minutes, while the children played, I prayed. And an answer came to me. It was a bit simplistic and probably not how St. Augustine or other Christian thinkers would have explained it, but it worked for Martin and the others when math class resumed. “The Bible calls Jesus the Rose of Sharon,” I told them. “God is like the root of the rose bush. He’s hidden, but that’s where the rose had its beginning and grew from. Jesus is like the rose blossom. He is the showy part of God’s love that we can ‘see’ and sense. The Holy Spirit is like the sap that flows through the bush, keeping it alive. Three aspects, but the same rose bush. See?” I imagine Martin will have even tougher questions in the future, and of course I have plenty of questions myself. Thankfully, God always answers when we ask sincerely. He may give a simple, straightforward explanation like the one He gave for Martin, or one that’s more involved, or He may simply give us peace to accept what we cannot yet understand. Courtesy of Activated magazine. Used with permission.
Jessica Roberts I’ve worked with young children for years, and I never cease to be amazed at their hunger for life, joy of discovery, and perseverance. Yes, perseverance. That may come as a new thought, considering small children’s notoriously short attention spans. (Any mother who has tried to get her toddler to sit still long enough to finish a meal can tell you about that.) There are moments in every young child’s life, though, when the inborn urge for development drives the child to learn a new skill, such as picking up a small object with chubby little fingers, or crawling, or walking. These new skills require a huge amount of concentration and effort on the part of the child and a great deal of time compared to his or her short life up to that point. They also put physical demands on muscles that are just beginning to learn coordination and are barely strong enough to sustain the child’s weight. When I recently moved to a new country, I went through a difficult time of adjustment. My friends and co-workers in my former situation had become like family. It hurt to leave them, and I especially missed teaching and helping to care for their kids. I tried my hand at new aspects of our volunteer work, but felt I wasn’t good at any of them. At one point, for example, I channeled my energy into a toy-and-book drive for needy children, but when it was slow taking off, I grew discouraged and felt like giving up. One day I was caring for a co-worker’s baby, Rafael. For as long as I had known him, Rafael had been trying to crawl. He would start by pushing himself up on shaky arms and eventually get up on all fours, but then he would get stuck. This went on for weeks. He would push himself up and rock back and forth on his pudgy hands and knees, but not make any forward progress. If a toy was just out of his reach, no matter how much he rocked on all fours or wiggled on his belly, he wouldn’t get any closer. He sometimes managed to scoot himself backwards, but that only moved him further from his goal. This day, after trying his hardest, he looked at me with “Pick me up!” written in frustration on his little features. I could sympathize, as I felt just as frustrated in my new situation. I knew, though, that all that struggling was strengthening his muscles and teaching him about his body. So I picked him up and cuddled and encouraged him a bit, but then put him back on the floor to try again. He would have to learn to crawl on his own; I couldn’t do it for him. Eventually he would grow stronger and get the hang of it. Suddenly I realized how much like Rafael I was. I’d been struggling, trying to learn new jobs, a new language, and about a new culture, and my natural reaction had been to look up to Jesus and say “Pick me up! Save me from this!” But He knows that this time of learning, difficult as it may be, will make me stronger. So even though His love is always there to cheer me on, I have to do the work. I have to persevere. That gave me a new outlook on my situation. If Rafael can keep it up, then I will too! And when I grow weary of trying or get frustrated from seemingly futile effort, I’ll go to Jesus for love, encouragement, and the strength to keep learning the lessons life brings my way. Rafael is now happily crawling and starting to pull himself up to stand. I’m also taking baby steps in learning new skills and broadening my horizons. I know we’ll both be up and running before long, if we just keep trying. Excerpted from Activated magazine. Used with permission.
“Miserable!” That was the only way to describe how I was feeling that day. My husband had had to travel—again!—and there I was alone with our four children. Finances were low, my health was bad, and my teenage daughter was going through a crisis. I prayed—oh, how I prayed!—that Jesus would make things a little easier to bear. Looking out my window at a grove of trees swaying in the gentle breeze, I noticed a little squirrel, squeaking away as he climbed up and down the trees, seemingly without a care in the world. I envied the little fellow. My squirrel chose that moment to change tactics. Instead of running up and down the trees, he started hopping from one tree to the next. He jumped over to the last tree in the cluster, and then looked at one more tree that stood apart from the others. He seemed to be deliberating. I mentally measured the distance between the squirrel and that tree, and it seemed two or three times as far as he had been jumping. Here was a massive challenge. “You can’t be serious, little fellow!” I muttered. But he wasn’t looking for my advice. He ran the length of the branch a few times, squealing frantically. Then he stopped and eyed the distance once more, crouched, and leaped. I wanted to turn my eyes away. Surely this was going to end badly! But no! He flew across that immense span and landed in the other tree with the grace and glory that come from knowing one is meant to perform such feats. He chattered in victory and scampered farther up the tree, as if to his reward. I knew then what had been missing. I had been so busy looking at my problems—measuring the distance between the trees—that I was afraid to let go and sail to the other side. I had lost my faith in my maker, my Savior, my best friend. As I watched the squirrel, now merrily chattering away in the treetop, I knew that Jesus had answered my prayer—not through a spectacular miracle, but rather the example of a happy little squirrel. The same God who took care of him was going to take care of me. Excerpted from Activated magazine. Used with permission. |
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